A fucked up first week of school

Hi there.

The last 4 weeks haven't been how I planned them. They never seem to be, but I took so much care to make my first weeks of school as smooth as I could. And almost everything that could go wrong did.

For one school my application was lost in the mail, for the other I was told on day 1 at my plan B school that we should've had a meeting before the summer. I wasn't prepared for the first one, and it broke me. But I knew once that had happened, that the second would happen too. And I couldn't fix the first before the school year began.

But a phone call to my therapist, a new letter printed for first school, a car ride and too many stairs later it was finally settled. I got in, and the nightmare that had begun a week earlier was finally settled.

Yet it had opened and released a flood of emotions, anxiety and fear. Fear that yet again was confirmed. 7 years since it happened the first time, and I first learned that someone elses mistake could cost me my ability to go to school, it almost happened again. For the 3rd time. I did everything I could. I reached out and asked for specific instructions, because I know the consequenses of not getting that meeting. And even though I now have accomodations at the other school, this mistake could still cost me my education.

How many times does this stop feeling like a simple mistake, and instead like deliberate exclusion?

My body doesn't handle stress. It makes me ill, and since my baseline is already on the floor, I collapse. And I have, a lot. Ever since that first week, I've not been able to leave my bed without help, and I've only been out of the house for school, therapy or physical therapy. I can barely walk all thanks to 1 week of stress. And since I have to keep pushing myself to get to school, I don't know when I'll get better. If I ever get better. 

And I don't know for how much longer I can keep it up. 7 days of stress, thanks to 1 lost letter, and the incompetance of the people responsible for the education department in my county. I might've lost out on my last chance of education. I'm too afraid to even concider going back next year if I have to quit due to my health this year. This was my last and only chance of maybe finishing high school. And once again they've taked it away from me.

I don't trust them to help me again, since they fucked it up so much already.

I'm not sure what will happen this year. I know I have a month and a half left until I have a week off. But I'm dreading that week if I make it that far. That's been where I totally fall apart, and have had to leave in the past. When I finally have some time to rest, my body will stop trying to keep itself together. And since I've been running on pure rage for the last 3 weeks, I'm not sure I can come back from resting. I'm already emotionally and physially drained, and if I let myself relax, even just for a weekend, I don't think I'll be able to get up again for months.

Bye for now.

-Anja