New year, same me

Happy new year!

I hope the entrance into 2023 has been a good one. After a pretty rough christmas I was glad to start school again, if for nothing else than just to have something other than anxiety occupying my brain for a few hours. The start of a new year always brings out the dreaded resolutions. I've never been able to keep my resolutions up for more than a few weeks. I will start the ball rolling, fresh with non-excisting energy, for a new me. A better me. "I'll finally get my health under control, be more social, do good in school, post more on social media, keep up with my hobbies." And on and on the list grows. Never worded the same
from one year to the next, but always the same resolutions when I look back at them. 

It's exhausting. But this year, true to myself, I have made the same resolutions. I like to believe I'm in a better headspace now than the years previous. I've done another year of therapy, school's actually working for once, I've gotten better at accepting my disability! But I'm scared that I'll fall into the same trap as years past. I will be determined for about 2 months, then a flare will come and fuck shit up for a few weeks. When I wake up on the other side I won't have energy to use on goals, dreams and the future. But I like to run repeatedly into a wall, head first, so let's do it again!

My main goal for this year is to live. I come into 2023 feeling empty, scared and lost. The pandemic has been hard. Losing my grandparent broke me. Going into a year with so much uncertainty is terifying! I've been tempted more than once to bury myself in my blankets and never go out into the big, scary world again. But I want to. I made a promise to myself many years ago, back when my depression was at its worst and my healthcare was harming me, that I would see the world. There would come a day where I would get to have my own adventures, my own life. Not stuck seeing everyone elses life progress, while mine was frozen. Has that time arrived? Am I finally ready to step out of my sheltered life, and explore the world? Nope, no way!

But I'm willing to try. One day at a time. Baby steps.

So I don't have my resolutions ready yet. I'm going to take some weeks taking stock, checking in with myself. Figure out what I need in the short term, so that I can thrive in the long run. One thing I know for certain is that I need to let myself breathe. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. Sometimes shit goes wrong (at this point I'm adopting that as my life motto), but that doesn't mean I have to lie down and give up, no matter how tempting it is then and there.

-Anja